34 / Synecdoche, New York / Charlie Kaufman

Charlie Kaufman was one of the first names I took note of when I started seriously taking notice of films when i was about 13, I remember watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and being so completely blown away by it that i looked up everyone who had anything to do with it, thus discovering, probably my first two 'arty' filmmakers, Charlie Kaufman & Michel Gondry. I remember going round spurting there names all over the place as if the fact I knew of them made me some great intellectual. Yes I was an unbearable teenager. I still have a lot of respect for both of these men and they are great artists, but my interall embarrassment over my unbearable teenage self has always kind of put a barrier up around their work since then. After watching Synecdoche, New York I regret this greatly. At least in the case of Charlie Kaufman. Well I do and I dont. I'm kind of glad I didn't watch this film when it came out, and I was 18. I don't think it would have has great an impact on me as it did now. I'm going to try my best to verbalise that impact, but as seems to be the case lately I keep getting hit in the face by these big films with big ideas and not really knowing how to construct any thoughts in a sentence. I'll do my best though.

Where to start? There's an interesting parallel I couldn't help but keep coming back to in my mind when I was watching Synecdoche, New York and that's to a scene near the end of Annie Hall. When Alvey breaks up with Annie he goes back and makes a play about the whole experience and there's a scene that shows their final moment but he's changed it so it has a happy ending, they kiss and make up and she moves back to New York with him. After this he looks to us and says "Well what do you want it's my first play. You know how you're always trying to make everything come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life." and it was this sentiment that kept coming back to me while watching Synecdoche not because it has any bearing to the film but because it is the exact opposite of what Caden is trying to do. Whereas Alvey tries to save everything with art and make it perfect, Our main character in this film is desperate to do the exact opposite. He wants to use art to get lost in his own suffering and is determined to show everything exactly as truth. As the film progresses this becomes more and more a prominent theme and to me that's where the film got really interesting. There are these scenes of Caden directing himself, directing himself in this play that no one can watch in a huge warehouse. Which I don't know, to me is just such a breathtakingly beautiful idea. This constant feedback loop of human life happening in the name of art. No course correcting, no happy endings, just pure life. I love how the whole thing grows naturally. Not the film, but Caden's project. He's desperately searching for meaning in this thing, trying to hide away in this warehouse, but then he needs another warehouse to escape in, and another. I think it says something really interesting about art and how easy it is to use it as an escape mechanism. A catch all to deal with life. Obviously not this extent but the whole concept just resonated really strongly with me.

It helped that the film was so beautifully made, and Phillip Seymour Hofman is nothing short of miraculous (as usual) as Caden. He manages to age so quickly in front of you in a completely convincing way. I love the way the film dealt with time. It's not obvious how much time is passing at anytime, the whole thing is in a constant sense of flux just like life. You're led to believe that only a couple of days have passed but then it's subtly dropped on you that, no actually, it's been 5 years since his wife left him. It's devastating

I think, as I said earlier I'm just in the right place to see this film. I'm experiencing these things. trying to save myself with art, trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life while everything passes by too quickly. I think it's been a week but really it's been six months. I know I'll look back on this little review thing in like five or ten or however many years and think to myself, jesus christ how embarrassing what was I thinking. I was 22 how self indulgent and nihilistic of me to think I understood this world and the problems I face. Which I guess is kind of fitting and is just another step in that feedback loop of existence.